Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
