Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
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