Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I just had my first experience getting hit on by a guy. It was really awkward, he touched my chest and invited me to a gay bar because "women get drunk and let their guard down at gay bars"
thats actually pretty good logic
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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