May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?
i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
