I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Congratulations on your lack of fetus.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
