No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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