I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Randomize
