THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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