I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
