Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
