He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
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