Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
