There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
