i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
