The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Randomize
