What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
pray to the hookup gods
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
