I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
