I got chris browned last night
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
