That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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