i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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