if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
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