i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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