whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
Randomize
