She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
