Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
I either have a problem or a really good solution... I just ordered my homecoming dress off of a website that sells forplay outfits.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
