We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
