He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
