I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
25 Porn Addicts Admit Their Biggest Pet Peeves
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.