I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
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