We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Randomize
