I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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