please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
This is kind of a weird question but were you the other girl Ben asked to do a group sex thing with?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Randomize
