Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
