What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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