i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
