You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
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