I'm sorry my penis didn't work
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
