Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
it's great music for shaving your balls
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Randomize
