You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
