My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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