Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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