I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
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