Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
Randomize
