you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize
