THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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