here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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