Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
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