I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
