You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
