She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
Randomize
