Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
