I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
