im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
