He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Still dying that you shit outside
Like, she can be the shepard of the gays. Delivering him unto homosexuality.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
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