Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Randomize
