My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
