i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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